My Space Time Waste. Victorian.

Here's the last one for a while. Don't want to open all your presents at once, do you.

1. What is your best friends dads name?
Well, probably one of his chums from his time in India. Chaps can become the greatest of friends, sipping G&T whilst the sun doesn't set on her Majesty's Empire.

2. What body part(s) do you hate?
Whilst I wouldn't disparage any anatomical appendage, all have their job, you know. But if this dashed liver could be a touch more effective then I'd save myself quite a portion of inconvenience.

4. Have you ever made out in a basement?
I once had to make it out of a basement. Damn opium dens and their attempts upon a chap. Always go to a Chinaman's. They know what's what.

5. What body part do you wash first in the shower?
Hardly the sort thing one asks of polite society.

6. Do you have any piercings?
No. I think they're best left to the savages. They seem to be happy enough with them.

7. Do you have any tattoos?
I'm an Army man, dear fellow, not the Navy.

8. Is your driveway steep?
Some of the nags have a problem with it in the winter. I've never been troubled by it.

9. What 's your favorite flavored Pringles
Until they provide a Quails egg option, or possibly grouse, I'm not interested.

10. Have you ever been tied up?
Once, in Africa. Fortunately, my British Passport fell out of my breast pocket. That took the wind out of their sails, I can tell.

11. What was the worst thing you ever got grounded for?
I've not had this problem. Although I did shoot a bally huge hole in one of the oils on the wall in the library. Always check that your blunderbuss is empty before you give the old gal a good cleaning.

12. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
One never overdoes his calendar. I mean, two 6 course meals in an evening is a touch much.

13.How many times have you been cursed at?
More than I care to remember. Most of it has been in some foreign tongue. Dashed impudent.

14. Which foot do you put a shoe on first?
Answering such a question would be a folly for both of us.

15. How old are you?
58 and strong as an ox.

16. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Several gay bars. All over the world. But the Gayest is the Grumbles gentlemen's club in London.

17. Have you ever had any Friends with Benefits?
No. All of my friends have their own inherited fortunes. And a serviceman's pension comes in handy.

18. Is there one thing that you have always fell in love with in a person?
I appreciate a good arse on a woman. Highly appreciate it.

20. Have you ever been cow-tipping?
Foolish schoolboy nonsense. A spell in the services would do them a power of good.

21. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
Britannia. God bless her.

22. Have you ever had a song written about you?
Only one the privates in India penned about me. Bit of fun. I pity a man who can't take a bit of ribbing from a group of younger chaps.

23. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets or your towel ever, which one?
Not the sort of thing that's up to me. The maids would hear about it pretty dashed quick.

24. Have you ever found anything in your parents bedroom that was questionable?
Nothing of the sort.

25. What was your childhood nickname?
Boy.

26. When is the last time you sang a song?
When I went back to see my old University chums.

27. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sex's locker room?
What on this green and pleasant land would a gel want a locker for?

28. What's the craziest thing you have done while driving?
Took a shot at a huge bull elephant. Sizeable bugger, he was. As handsome a chap as I've ever tried to shoot.

30. How do you normally eat your Oreo cookies?
Are those the chaps you stuff pheasant with?

32. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
Well by the second bottle of after dinner port I do find myself a touch red in the nose.

33. Why are you doing this survey?
Waiting for the bally steamboat back to Blighty.

34. What was the best thing that ever happened to you?
Being born into such opulence.

35. Any strange phobias?
Never been keen on the old mosquito since Spadger and Dobbs bought it from the big M.

36. Have you ever stuck an object up your nose
Nonsense. I'm far to clever.

37. When's the last time you threw up?
I threw a ball up during my cricket days. Those Indians knew what they were doing with a bat, I can tell you. HOWZATT!

38. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guys name?
I can barely remember the old gal's name as it is. So I generally call her 'Old gal'.

39. Have you ever gotten caught sleeping while on a date?
As an Englishman, I'm used to staying alert for that kind of affair. Dashed impolite is what that is.

40. Have you ever played naked Twister?
Is that one of the native things. They seem to do everything naked. Still, damned hard workers the lot of them. Best of luck to them.

41. Have you ever been drunk at work/school?
My dear fellow, it's not work or school if you haven't had one or two. Youngsters, these days!

Until next time I sign off with the 2 commandments...

Be Excellent To Each Other.

Party On, Dudes

My Space Time Waste. Mob

The second instalment of my irregular series of character answers from very old My Space questionaires.

The Mob.

1. Three words to describe how you're feeling right now?

Louie... fix 'im.

2. Who was the last guy you hugged?

That woudda been, Vinnie yesterday. He iced some clown, downtown and he'd been a pain in our ass for some time now.

3. How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Oh, you wants to know when I'll not be awake, doos yer? Well, dat's nat for yer to know, capice?

4. What are you currently doing?

You ask a lotta questions, yer know dat?

5. Have you told anyone you loved them today?

Everyday, I tell my wife that if she continues not to bo'in my lunch then I won't have her whacked. I think she knows what I mean.

6. Where is your best friend right now?

In dis woyild, yer can't have no friends. But I've known Legs and Louie since we wuz kids anni kin trust 'em more'en anysbody.

7. Do you like anybody?

Why should I like anybody when they've never offered me friendship and then come to me and ask for a favour, on this, the day of my daughter's weddin'.

8. Do you miss anybody?

Never, if I'm aimmin' then the schmoe is goin' down.

9. Do you have plans for tomorrow?

I'm going to walk the streets and be offered things by poor people from stalls.

10. What are you listening to right now?

Someone is havin' their mind changed with baseball bats in the cellar, right now. So I'm listening to dat.

11. Are you a generally clean or messy person?

Is this some kind of a joke? You're actually asking me if I'm, shut up a minute, if I'M clean or not. Oh, yous is very lucky. If I wasn't a business associate of your father then I would take that insult real personal, like.

12. What's your favorite color?

Dark red. The colour of mama's pasta sauce... and the blood of any schmoe who tries to meddle with my business.

13. Have you ever liked anyone on your top friends?

What is this? Am I a homo now? So now I'm a homo? You gat some real stones, there pal.

14. Do you find members of the opposite sex confusing?

Look, I's gonna tell yer this one time and one time only, the only reason a man can't unnerstan' a broad is cuz he ain't hit her hard enough yet. You know what I'm sayin'. An' I'm only sayin' this cuz I like you.

15. What was the reason behind the last time you cried?

I hadda have my brother, Michael, whacked for disrespectin' the family to one o' my business rivals. The thoid time they lowered him into the vat, I shed a tear for what coodda been.

16. Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?

My family. Any man who doesn't spend time with his family, can't really call himself a real man.

17. Are you going to be alone tonight?

I will go to my favourite rest-a-runt and enjoy some of the cooking from the old country and then cigars at Vincenzo's later. Good man, Vincenzo.

18. When is the last time you saw a movie in theaters?

I saw tha one with dat guy with allatha faces. Funny guy.

19. Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can’t?

Nah, in my family if someone's a jerk, we'll callya a jerk, if yer an asshole, we'll callya an asshole, if yer a slut, we'll call yer my brother's wife. If yer somthin', then you'll know.

20. What are you doing tonight?

Didn'I jus' answer that question 'o yers a minute ago. No, answer me. Didn'I just.. shut your mouth, didn'I jus answe... shut your goddamn mouth. 'At's right, I answers yer arready.

21. What is one thing you can't wait for?

My wife to finally give me a son. A strong, son to take over my empire.

22. How has the week been?

It ain't been bad. I hadda coupla mooks whacked an' business is up.

23. When is the last time you saw number 1 on your top?

It's been to long, my friend, my brother. You understand me like no other.

24. Do you believe in gay marriage?

What are yer tryin' to say? You implyin' somthin'? You sayin' I make with the homoisms? I don't think I like yer tone.

25. What's a lyric from the song you're listening to?

“I did it my way” by Ole Blue Eyes. Ahh, now there was a guy. Frankie's still missed.

26. What are you happy about?

I'm happy that my cousin, Fingers, is doin' so well in the Pen. He's a smart boy, he'll go far.

27. Who was the last person to say hey to you?

Ok, let's get one thing clear. People don't say 'hey' to me. You gat dat?

28. What is to your right?

A heavily armed and deeply trusted bodyguard.

29. Where is your brother?

Which one?

30. What are you wearing?

A Navy blue pinstripe suit an' spatz.

31. Who are you proud of?

Alla the guys who show me respect and hard work.

32. Weakness about yourself?

You know yous gats some mouth on yer, yer know dat? I let you in here, I share my wine with you an' all yer kin do is throw, shut the fuck up, is throw it back, shut up, shut the fuck up, is throw it back in my face.

33. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?

This is the last time I'm gonna warn yer about the homo-talk.

34. When was the last time you felt stupid?

I ain't never done nothin' stupid and you'd do well to remember dat, capice?

35. What did you do today?

Yer know, I don' think you can get yourself back into my good graces jus' yet.

36. Who is the last person you shared a bed with?

Nonnayer goddamn business, yer mook.

37. What's the next sporting event you'll watch?

Possibly my guys vs. the question-askin' bastard.

Until next time I sign off with the 2 commandments...

Be Excellent To Each Other.

Party On, Dudes

My Space Time Waste: Noir

Back when My Space was king and everyone was on there there wasn't much to do other than listen to endless unsigned bands (most of whom were so awful as to encourage cyber bullying) or fill in questionaires.

I spent so much of my unemployed time doing that crap I took to doing them in character. I thought I'd repost a couple here , just in case they amuse.

The first one was done in the style of a Film Noir.

What's your middle name?

That was her alright. Always asking personal questions. I think she thought she was putting me at ease, but one thing you learn in this game is how to read a skirt.



How big is your bed?
My bed hadn't been slept in during this whole investigation. I hadn't even pulled it down from the wall in 4 days. I found that the chair by the window would do if I had a spare hour.



What are you listening to right now?
The couple downstairs were arguing under the waffle and tune from the radio. They thought you couldn't hear a damn thing with it on. I could. And I'd heard them enough in the past weeks to know that they've both been unfaithful.




What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
The phone company had cut me off 2 months ago. That's why I took this case. It's ok to take the nickel and dime, safe jobs. But even a flatfoot like me's gotta eat sometime.



What was the last thing you ate?
I had a tuna on rye from the deli across the street from the suspect's joint. He'd not been around lately and I knew this was connected to the investigation. If only I knew how.



Last person you hugged?
Bunny Heart. Now there's a dame. Real classy, like. Cigarette holder, $40 shoes, you know the type. We both knew it couldn't work, but I'll be dammed if she wasn't a stone cold knock-out.



How is the weather right now?
The rain had finally stopped and the only water falling was the run off from the gutters. We were in for some more, but it should hold up until first light.



Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Marty the Squid was a guy I went to for information. He was in with all the gangs and people liked him enough to leave him alone. He'd take the odd job here and there. But usually just holding some contraband for a gang until the heat was off.



What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
The trouble with broads in my line'a work is that they try to stop you noticing the things you should do. The gun in their garter belt or the bottle'a poison in their fur wrap. It was like frontier days, you didn't mess with anything you didn''t catch yourself.



Favorite type of Food?
Right now, I could go for anything. Living on the peanuts in the bar downstairs was making things worse for me. If only I could crack this case.



Do you want children?
Howlin' brats ain't none'a my concern.



Do you drink?
One good thing about prohibition is that it's now easier to find a drink in a bar at any time of the day or night than before. Too bad the moonshine tends to make you blind for a while.



Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
Yeah, and that's what happens when you let your guard down. That night Crawfish Louis got away with all my photo evidence and my payrole for the last case. Hence the peanuts and takin' these dirty jobs.



Hair color?
Age and the stress of the job had sent my brown hair graying at the temples, but there was still enough to avoid embarrassment at removing my hat.



Eye color?
These days I was squinting out from bloodshot, Gray eyes.



Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Nah, they'd only get broken. Or lost in a game of pinochle.



Favorite holiday?
There was one. Bunny and I had watched the Fourth of July celebrations from the hill outside the city. I tell ya, they don't make women like that anymore.



Favorite Season?
The things I've seen, you stop having favourites.



Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
No, I'd never give 'em the satisfaction.



Last Movie you Watched?
Some piece of crap in the picture theatre downtown when I was trailing a guy last winter. I was watching him more than the moive.



What books are you reading?
The only books I've read this month are the books from the Chinese Laundry shop in Chinatown. You wanna see a plot that don't add up then I reccomend 'em.



Piercings?
I'm a pet dick. Not a sailor.



Favorite Movie?
Ahh, hell. I don't know. I don't like movies. The bad guy always pays. It just ain't like that in the world I live in.



Favorite college football Team?
I don't got time for sports, no more.



What were you doing before filling this out?
Trying to drain the last of my bottle of moonshine. Keep the chill out until morning.



Any pets?
Unless you count the rats that have avoided the traps... no.



Dogs or cats?
They both spoil crime scenes.

Who needs 'em?

Favorite Flower?
I remember a rose in New Orleans, back in the old days. She wasn't no Bunny, though.



Have you ever loved someone?
Yeah, and didn't I learn a lesson.



Who would you like to see right now?
The damn son of a bitch I'm supposed to be tailing before I had to take cover from the rain.



Have you ever fired a gun?
That's just day to day stuff. I don't like to though. For 'those' jobs, they usually pay more for 'alive'.



Do you like to travel by plane?
Nah, it takes more than some two bit, deadbeat, investigator like me to work out how they stay off the ground.



Right-handed or Left-handed?
I got pretty good with both after I had to fool the forger I took down 6 years ago.



If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
I don't think they've invented it yet. Not the place I wanna be.



Are you missing someone?
Yeah, but it's only a matter of time before he takes the bait in the honey trap me and a coupla the girls from the bar (who owe me a favour) have cooked up.



Do you have a tattoo?
I don't need no identifiable marks with what I do.



Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Last Saturday morning I was routing through a dumpster looking for pieces of a client's husband. Cartoons have kinda lost their appeal.



Are you hiding something from someone?
Well, I ain't about to tell the whole damn world what I know. Not until I get paid, that is.



Are you 18?
You'll never get an honest answer to that question in this town.



What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
I don't even got wallpaper on my walls.



Did you get enough sleep last night?
I ain't had enough sleep in the last 17 years. Not since my bum knee gave out and I hadda leave navy.



First thing you thought about this morning?
An Old Fashioned would sink nicely, right now.



What do you have handy at your bedside?
A glass, a clock and my gun hangs in he shoulder holster on the drawer handle. I ain't a popular guy.



Grilled or fried?
Not talking about food would be good for me right now.



What makes you unique?
Of all the people who do this that I've known. I'm the only one breathin'.



Are you afraid of the dark?
No, it's who's in the dark that you should be scared of.



Favorite hangout?
Most of the speakeasies in town are quiet enough.



3 things you can't live without:
Cash, food and a decent drink. Although I've done ok without the first two for the past few weeks.



Favorite songs?
Even the old ones can't do much for me right now. Old standards ain't gonna protect me from no mob Tommy Guns.



What are you afraid of?
Not a lot, anymore.



Are you a giver or a taker?
I give and the world seems to be taking right now.



What are your nicknames?
I don't know a lotta people. and none o' them are dumb enough to gimme some nickname.



What is your dad's middle name?
If I knew where than sunovabitch was, I'd ask 'im.



What is your mother's middle name?
It's written on her grave somewhere. Just look behind the moss.



Stuck on an island and take one thing?
A hat.



Favorite tv commercial?
That'll never catch on.



Who's your cell phone provider?
The people who cut me off.



First thing you'll save in a fire?
My worthless hide.



What's your favorite color?
She was back askin' these leading questions. I didn't need to hear this. I had to have it out straight with her.



What are the things you always take with you?
My piece, my wallet and a kosh.



What did you wanna be when you were a kid?
God knows. So ask him.



What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
Now the skirt was gettin' cute. I wasn't going to get the information I needed from her tonight.



The color of your bed sheets?
Same as the matress.



What do you usually think about before you go to sleep?
About what a goddamn shame it is I gotta get up again. And sometimes, Bunny.

Until next time I sign off with the 2 commandments...

Be Excellent To Each Other.

Party On, Dudes

Let's see if we can't start this.

Welcome one and all (meaning 'one', in this case, I suppose).

I've no real way of starting this series of me typing things so here is a selection of musings. Feel free to skip over them and just leave a comment saying 'Wow Eddie, you're truly fantastic'. It's better for all concerned.

Hopefully things of greater merit will follow (although breath-holding isn't advised).

1. If you ask a question... listen to the answer.

2. There is nothing in this world one cannot make a joke about. However, context and intent tell us much about the maker of the joke.

3. If food requires ketchup then is it really worth eating?

4. The simple employment of the word 'whatever' does not an argument win.

5. In the UK there are stereotypes about the North and the South. Northerners believe that Southerners are weaklings, quite bent and can't hold their ale. Southerners believe that Northerners are illiterate, live in old mines and eat only offal. Both of these are actually true.

6. Living statues aren't entertaining.

7. If someone asks you which team you support, rather than trying to explain to the simple mind of a football fan that you can read , thus rendering all ball games utterly dull, try saying 'Brighton and Hove Albion'. They've received a football team's name, but they've received the name of a team that they will have no clue about. Then pat them on the head, give them a biscuit and tell them that you've got grown-up things to be getting on with.

8. Don't wear a hat in northern pubs. Tossers will ask you if they can try it on.

9. After I saw 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' at the West Yorkshire Playhouse one Christmas I realised that I've been attempting to find a girl who is as close a facsimile of Jadis (Her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands, etc.) as possible. Pale, brunette, prefers winter to summer, doesn't like Christmas, is an incarnation of pure evil. You know the deal.

10. After I watched The Golden Compass I decided that I want an Otter Demon.

11. Describing a book as 'unputdownable' just makes it sound sticky.

12. Music that requires drugs to make it sound good clearly isn't very good.

13. Why do people apply sexual readings to asexual texts (Holmes/Watson, Bugs Bunny etc.)? What good can come from it? What point are you making? Why waste your time on that?

14. Just because you're related to a doctor/nurse/psychologist or someone of some such does NOT mean that you are an authority on these areas.

15. A quick note to our European friends... 'London' is not the same as 'England'.

16. A quick note to people from London... 'London' is not the same as 'England'.

17. Please don't claim to like jazz unless you actually do. It causes those around to deem you a bellend.

18. Talking loudly, ignoring opposing points of view and smiling smugly whilst shaking your head does not make you argument experts, they make you a bad loser.

19. Anyone who mistakes their sexuality for their personality is usually without worth.

20. Anyone who mistakes their nationality for their personality is usually without worth.


If you did read this far, I can only assume you're slightly let down. Now you know how all my ex's have felt. Lucky you!

So I sign off with the 2 commandments...

Be Excellent To Each Other.

Party On, Dudes.