Let's see if we can't start this.

Welcome one and all (meaning 'one', in this case, I suppose).

I've no real way of starting this series of me typing things so here is a selection of musings. Feel free to skip over them and just leave a comment saying 'Wow Eddie, you're truly fantastic'. It's better for all concerned.

Hopefully things of greater merit will follow (although breath-holding isn't advised).

1. If you ask a question... listen to the answer.

2. There is nothing in this world one cannot make a joke about. However, context and intent tell us much about the maker of the joke.

3. If food requires ketchup then is it really worth eating?

4. The simple employment of the word 'whatever' does not an argument win.

5. In the UK there are stereotypes about the North and the South. Northerners believe that Southerners are weaklings, quite bent and can't hold their ale. Southerners believe that Northerners are illiterate, live in old mines and eat only offal. Both of these are actually true.

6. Living statues aren't entertaining.

7. If someone asks you which team you support, rather than trying to explain to the simple mind of a football fan that you can read , thus rendering all ball games utterly dull, try saying 'Brighton and Hove Albion'. They've received a football team's name, but they've received the name of a team that they will have no clue about. Then pat them on the head, give them a biscuit and tell them that you've got grown-up things to be getting on with.

8. Don't wear a hat in northern pubs. Tossers will ask you if they can try it on.

9. After I saw 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' at the West Yorkshire Playhouse one Christmas I realised that I've been attempting to find a girl who is as close a facsimile of Jadis (Her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands, etc.) as possible. Pale, brunette, prefers winter to summer, doesn't like Christmas, is an incarnation of pure evil. You know the deal.

10. After I watched The Golden Compass I decided that I want an Otter Demon.

11. Describing a book as 'unputdownable' just makes it sound sticky.

12. Music that requires drugs to make it sound good clearly isn't very good.

13. Why do people apply sexual readings to asexual texts (Holmes/Watson, Bugs Bunny etc.)? What good can come from it? What point are you making? Why waste your time on that?

14. Just because you're related to a doctor/nurse/psychologist or someone of some such does NOT mean that you are an authority on these areas.

15. A quick note to our European friends... 'London' is not the same as 'England'.

16. A quick note to people from London... 'London' is not the same as 'England'.

17. Please don't claim to like jazz unless you actually do. It causes those around to deem you a bellend.

18. Talking loudly, ignoring opposing points of view and smiling smugly whilst shaking your head does not make you argument experts, they make you a bad loser.

19. Anyone who mistakes their sexuality for their personality is usually without worth.

20. Anyone who mistakes their nationality for their personality is usually without worth.


If you did read this far, I can only assume you're slightly let down. Now you know how all my ex's have felt. Lucky you!

So I sign off with the 2 commandments...

Be Excellent To Each Other.

Party On, Dudes.