Back when My Space was king and everyone was on there there wasn't much to do other than listen to endless unsigned bands (most of whom were so awful as to encourage cyber bullying) or fill in questionaires.
I spent so much of my unemployed time doing that crap I took to doing them in character. I thought I'd repost a couple here , just in case they amuse.
The first one was done in the style of a Film Noir.
What's your middle name?
That was her alright. Always asking personal questions. I think she thought she was putting me at ease, but one thing you learn in this game is how to read a skirt.
How big is your bed?
My bed hadn't been slept in during this whole investigation. I hadn't even pulled it down from the wall in 4 days. I found that the chair by the window would do if I had a spare hour.
What are you listening to right now?
The couple downstairs were arguing under the waffle and tune from the radio. They thought you couldn't hear a damn thing with it on. I could. And I'd heard them enough in the past weeks to know that they've both been unfaithful.
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
The phone company had cut me off 2 months ago. That's why I took this case. It's ok to take the nickel and dime, safe jobs. But even a flatfoot like me's gotta eat sometime.
What was the last thing you ate?
I had a tuna on rye from the deli across the street from the suspect's joint. He'd not been around lately and I knew this was connected to the investigation. If only I knew how.
Last person you hugged?
Bunny Heart. Now there's a dame. Real classy, like. Cigarette holder, $40 shoes, you know the type. We both knew it couldn't work, but I'll be dammed if she wasn't a stone cold knock-out.
How is the weather right now?
The rain had finally stopped and the only water falling was the run off from the gutters. We were in for some more, but it should hold up until first light.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Marty the Squid was a guy I went to for information. He was in with all the gangs and people liked him enough to leave him alone. He'd take the odd job here and there. But usually just holding some contraband for a gang until the heat was off.
What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
The trouble with broads in my line'a work is that they try to stop you noticing the things you should do. The gun in their garter belt or the bottle'a poison in their fur wrap. It was like frontier days, you didn't mess with anything you didn''t catch yourself.
Favorite type of Food?
Right now, I could go for anything. Living on the peanuts in the bar downstairs was making things worse for me. If only I could crack this case.
Do you want children?
Howlin' brats ain't none'a my concern.
Do you drink?
One good thing about prohibition is that it's now easier to find a drink in a bar at any time of the day or night than before. Too bad the moonshine tends to make you blind for a while.
Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
Yeah, and that's what happens when you let your guard down. That night Crawfish Louis got away with all my photo evidence and my payrole for the last case. Hence the peanuts and takin' these dirty jobs.
Hair color?
Age and the stress of the job had sent my brown hair graying at the temples, but there was still enough to avoid embarrassment at removing my hat.
Eye color?
These days I was squinting out from bloodshot, Gray eyes.
Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Nah, they'd only get broken. Or lost in a game of pinochle.
Favorite holiday?
There was one. Bunny and I had watched the Fourth of July celebrations from the hill outside the city. I tell ya, they don't make women like that anymore.
Favorite Season?
The things I've seen, you stop having favourites.
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
No, I'd never give 'em the satisfaction.
Last Movie you Watched?
Some piece of crap in the picture theatre downtown when I was trailing a guy last winter. I was watching him more than the moive.
What books are you reading?
The only books I've read this month are the books from the Chinese Laundry shop in Chinatown. You wanna see a plot that don't add up then I reccomend 'em.
Piercings?
I'm a pet dick. Not a sailor.
Favorite Movie?
Ahh, hell. I don't know. I don't like movies. The bad guy always pays. It just ain't like that in the world I live in.
Favorite college football Team?
I don't got time for sports, no more.
What were you doing before filling this out?
Trying to drain the last of my bottle of moonshine. Keep the chill out until morning.
Any pets?
Unless you count the rats that have avoided the traps... no.
Dogs or cats?
They both spoil crime scenes.
Who needs 'em?
Favorite Flower?
I remember a rose in New Orleans, back in the old days. She wasn't no Bunny, though.
Have you ever loved someone?
Yeah, and didn't I learn a lesson.
Who would you like to see right now?
The damn son of a bitch I'm supposed to be tailing before I had to take cover from the rain.
Have you ever fired a gun?
That's just day to day stuff. I don't like to though. For 'those' jobs, they usually pay more for 'alive'.
Do you like to travel by plane?
Nah, it takes more than some two bit, deadbeat, investigator like me to work out how they stay off the ground.
Right-handed or Left-handed?
I got pretty good with both after I had to fool the forger I took down 6 years ago.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
I don't think they've invented it yet. Not the place I wanna be.
Are you missing someone?
Yeah, but it's only a matter of time before he takes the bait in the honey trap me and a coupla the girls from the bar (who owe me a favour) have cooked up.
Do you have a tattoo?
I don't need no identifiable marks with what I do.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Last Saturday morning I was routing through a dumpster looking for pieces of a client's husband. Cartoons have kinda lost their appeal.
Are you hiding something from someone?
Well, I ain't about to tell the whole damn world what I know. Not until I get paid, that is.
Are you 18?
You'll never get an honest answer to that question in this town.
What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
I don't even got wallpaper on my walls.
Did you get enough sleep last night?
I ain't had enough sleep in the last 17 years. Not since my bum knee gave out and I hadda leave navy.
First thing you thought about this morning?
An Old Fashioned would sink nicely, right now.
What do you have handy at your bedside?
A glass, a clock and my gun hangs in he shoulder holster on the drawer handle. I ain't a popular guy.
Grilled or fried?
Not talking about food would be good for me right now.
What makes you unique?
Of all the people who do this that I've known. I'm the only one breathin'.
Are you afraid of the dark?
No, it's who's in the dark that you should be scared of.
Favorite hangout?
Most of the speakeasies in town are quiet enough.
3 things you can't live without:
Cash, food and a decent drink. Although I've done ok without the first two for the past few weeks.
Favorite songs?
Even the old ones can't do much for me right now. Old standards ain't gonna protect me from no mob Tommy Guns.
What are you afraid of?
Not a lot, anymore.
Are you a giver or a taker?
I give and the world seems to be taking right now.
What are your nicknames?
I don't know a lotta people. and none o' them are dumb enough to gimme some nickname.
What is your dad's middle name?
If I knew where than sunovabitch was, I'd ask 'im.
What is your mother's middle name?
It's written on her grave somewhere. Just look behind the moss.
Stuck on an island and take one thing?
A hat.
Favorite tv commercial?
That'll never catch on.
Who's your cell phone provider?
The people who cut me off.
First thing you'll save in a fire?
My worthless hide.
What's your favorite color?
She was back askin' these leading questions. I didn't need to hear this. I had to have it out straight with her.
What are the things you always take with you?
My piece, my wallet and a kosh.
What did you wanna be when you were a kid?
God knows. So ask him.
What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
Now the skirt was gettin' cute. I wasn't going to get the information I needed from her tonight.
The color of your bed sheets?
Same as the matress.
What do you usually think about before you go to sleep?
About what a goddamn shame it is I gotta get up again. And sometimes, Bunny.
Until next time I sign off with the 2 commandments...
Be Excellent To Each Other.
Party On, Dudes
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